A Severe Case of the 30-Somethings

When the show Thirtysomething was popular, I was drooling over Fred Savage in The Wonder Years and Neil Patrick Harris in Doogie Howser. But now I can watch the first season of Thirtysomething available on the ever-addictive Hulu. But shows that were good in the past are never quite as good later on. The clothes are all wrong and no one has a cell phone attached to their brain stem and there’s just a huge cheese factor. And you ask yourself—did people really talk that way in the 80’s? Didn’t they know how to write good dialogue? I started to watch it, but I couldn’t even finish one episode. Seriously boring. The big issues were being a stay at home mom, the woman wanting to go back to work, finding a baby sitter that was good enough and the distance between the friends with kids and the friends without kids. Okay so?


I’ve been watching this new Canadian show Being Erica--another show obsessed about the never-ending melodramatic effects of being 30. Erica is seeing a therapist that sends her back in time to learn from and even fix past regrets. It always has a happy philosophical message at the end. I don’t think the show will last very long, because it’s just too damn happy. Her life just doesn’t seem messed up enough to deserve traveling back in time to fix things. It’s not like she was a heroin addict or joined a cult or anything.

How many shows or stories are about characters struggling in their 30’s? It’s not that 30 is old. But it’s where you start to notice gravity and time. Maybe the problem is that we’re coping with 30 with a 25 year old mentality.

Thirty-something should be an official medical diagnosis.


DSM IV Thirty-Somethings
8 (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least two of the symptoms must be 9,10,11, or 14. Must be between age 30-39.

1. Frequent traveling body aches

2. Generalized varied vague complaints that are unverifiable by any testing

3. Feelings of inadequacy

4. Sensation that time is racing past

5. Generalize fatigue, not relieved by sleep

6. Inability to sleep in due back pain and/or internal body clock

7. Inability to consume the same quantity of alcohol as in previous years

8. Lack of motivation to party beyond 9pm

9. Appearance of looking like someone’s parent

10. Denial that you look as old as your friends who are exactly the same age

11. Anxiety about being carded less frequently for alcohol

12. Intense need to accomplish or nurture something (pet, project, child)

13. Disgust with current fashion trends (clothes, music), because they’re not what they used to be

14. Feeling that you can’t wear something because it’s not age appropriate

15. A strange sense of nostalgia for the past

16. Realization that you’ll never be rich or famous

17. Manifestation of real disease processes (arthritis, hypertension, elevated cholesterol etc.)


If 30-something was a legitimate diagnosis, I could call into work, and they would know that it was highly contagious to other people the same age. They would insist that I stay home for at least 2 weeks—take an extended vacation. It would be obvious I was really sick and not just making it up.

And it would hold up as a legitimate defense in court. Not-guilty by reason of the 30-Somethings. Isn’t that really why some people drown their children or murder their spouse? Or start smoking crack? Maybe.

Heather's Stud (the Angry Blog Commenter)

Dear Angry Blog Commenter,


I received your message.

“Lucy Diamond is a stupid bitch and has no idea what she is talking about. How uneducated is she to not know who Gary Dop is?”

Unfortunately I was unable to e-mail you back at heathers_stud01@gmail.com It went directly to the mail demons and was returned as undeliverable. This made me sad. I wanted to talk about your feelings of hostility and unrecognized rage.

Honestly, I found your message a little weird—junior high, serial killer-ish. Because you weren’t even commenting on the blog itself. You made a comment about another commenter—evaluating their intelligence and ability to leave a comment. It only made your own ignorance more apparent.

Please do not leave derogatory comments on my blog site. The purpose of my site is to entertain, incite laughter and to provoke intelligent thought. Your comment does none of these things. I wanted to delete your comment and send you a personal e-mail. However, because you left an invalid address, I am forced to blog about it instead. Maybe even psycho-analyze and poke fun.

Most people probably do not know Gary Dop. Do you know who Gary Dop is? I hardly know him myself. After all, how can you really know god?

It’s obvious that you know Lucy Diamond on a personal level—not just as a random comment on a blog site. And you have been harboring negative feelings toward her for some time. Really you want to tell her that she’s a stupid bitch, but you’re too afraid. She probably hurt you in some way and vice versa. Instead of leaving angry, pseudo-anonymous comments on my site, it would be better if you talked directly with Lucy using “I feel” statements. Or perhaps you might want to consider therapy to help you work through your feelings.

A couple months ago the top search on my blog site was “Lucy Diamond was a prostitute.” Was that you Heather’s Stud? Typically, I don’t use my blog to attack people that I know in a public forum. And if I do, I most certainly won’t use their real name. I prefer to verbally accost systems, complete strangers and powerful officials. You fall into the complete stranger category. I would like to remind you that this is a narcissistic blog. So mostly I like to talk about myself and include self-deprecating humor.


Heather’s Stud, you sound like an angry lesbian with Short Man Syndrome. You want to be big burly dyke so badly, but you need to grow some balls first.

I should thank you for giving me something to write about, but I don’t think I will.


Julie Ann

The Key Collector

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